I'm posting this as something I wrote in response to the question: "How can I love and forgive myself? What do we do when we don't see that change that we hope to see, and have trouble loving and forgiving ourselves for our messups? Here are some of my thoughts, for this is something I have struggled with so much throughout the years..
I know this may sound crazy, but one thing that really seemed to be a turning point for me was when God showed me that all will be well for all people, that ultimately all will be with Him in heaven. This happened during a time of personal crisis when both my dad and grandma were very ill (and my grandma passed away)..God just spoke to me within in such a deep and wordless way, letting me experience eternity somehow. I can't explain it. But I just knew that everything was okay and that everything will be okay for everybody. It was like a glimpse of heaven. I can't explain it! But it was a very powerful thing and went along with some things God was teaching me about His true character and about how He sees people, about our true character or nature.
I know a lot of people don't believe that everyone will be with God eventually, and I was brought up to believe in a eternal conscious torment in a literal fiery hell...but I really believe that the God I've experienced has shown me otherwise. Once I experienced this from God, this inner knowing that everything will be okay ultimately for me and for all people, it was like I could finally relax. I could finally trust God, trust His love for me, and somehow that opened me up to love myself. Because I was seeing that we are all His children, all created by Him, loved by Him, and yes we've wandered from Him in our thoughts and deeds, forgotten the Father who gave us birth, but He'll bring all of us back to enjoying our place of belonging in His arms..we're all His kids, always were, always will be...and just like any good Daddy, He wouldn't ever turn His back on His children, wouldn't ever be happy till all were safely home with Him enjoying life in His palace!
And this is the other big thing for me - since we're all from God, we're all good deep down, not bad..we are all in His image of love and goodness..we're good-natured, naturally kind and loving..our deep down character as God created us is love, since we are children of Mr. Love Himself and take after our dad! We've just forgotten where we came from, forgotten who our Father is and thus forgotten who we are. We've been so confused, 'alienated in our minds' from the truth, not being able to enjoy the relationship with Him that was always ours for the enjoying. But Jesus came to dispel the lies, to free us from them, most of them caused by religion, and set us free by showing us the truth - that He sees us all innocent, and even when we do the most heinous acts (like killing God's own Son for instance!) He just says, "They don't know what they're doing." We're His good little ones, He sees no wrong in us, and there's no wrong in Him, no angry or vindictive or punishing side, just pure love. Love that brings everybody home.
It makes everything so wonderful and has helped me so much! But that is just my story. And that's only part of my journey. Also, everybody has their own journey and I don't know what means God will use to bring you to rest. But I do know He will take care of you. And that it doesn't matter what you do, or if you ever change, or even if you are ever able to consistently love yourself all the time I just know it is okay, we can let ourselves off the hook, we are not our thoughts or actions..we are who we are deep down, in our spirit which is one with God's Spirit..we are His pure innocent good children constantly under His loving care! Everything is okay, and everything will ultimately be okay! I just know that is true now, I can't explain how but it has made a big, big difference for me.
I feel like we are all on a wonderful journey together! Wonderful too that there is nowhere to go on this journey, it's simply a journey of discovery as we discover where we already are - in Christ, and He in us!
One thing I do want to add is that in the past I've had the idea that if I just believed in grace right or loved myself enough, I'd see my actions all line up with godliness, overcome my hangups, and have victory. But now I see that is performance thinking I am having. I want to not think about performance at all, not worry about change at all! Sure some things about me would be good to change. But that really isn't my concern. My eyes are to just be on Christ and I am to just enjoy life knowing all is well, that all is complete and I am fine. Change is the business of the Spirit. My business is just basking in His love! Being a branch is so easy, I love it! It has nothing to do with religion, change, performance, getting better, or getting some victory. It's not about finally 'getting there' spiritually. The whole point is we are already there, lol! What a relief!
It's like I've been shown that I can separate my actions, thoughts and feelings from my real and true Self..that my mind and body aren't my true Self, my true Self is Spirit, which is my core and the deepest part about me. This core needs no improvement. This core does nothing wrong, just IS LOVE! This core is one with God, is Spirit of His Spirit, one Spirit! I can thus see my acts and thoughts to be the products of mind and body, which to me are like the house that the real Me lives in, or the machine I use to operate in this visible world. I don't have to get mad at the mind and body, just see it isn't really ME and love and sympathize with it as it reacts to things in this world based on whatever input its received, whether the input is truth and loving experiences or whether the input has been pain, rejection, lies, or performance teaching. This has freed me so much. It has helped me see how I can say I'm perfect and everything is all right, even if the outer shell/outer life looks like an absolute mess, lol! The goal has changed somehow. The goal isn't to get the outside to 'look right and act right' all the time. The goal is now to just enjoy life, to live! To just BE! For everything really IS okay deep down, and I can live out of that reality, for that IS what is truly real!!
Someone told me once when I was in the middle of a crisis time, "Just remember, everything is perfect." It stuck with me so much. There's nothing wrong with me or my life! All is well deep down! That has freed me so much to be able to give myself a break and be able to talk to my mind/body so kindly and say these words:
"Hey, it's okay you just blew it. I love you and I'll stick with you. I understand why you acted that way. You've had a lot of hurts in your past and heard a lot of religious lies. I care about you and just want you to know I"m here for you and accept you as you are. You are safe and you are known and you are loved. I love you just the way you are!"
I love being able to say this to myself, to my hurting mind, for the first time ever!
So these are some of my thoughts on letting go of wanting change and just being able to love myself..
And I want to say that if you believe differently, hey, that is great and I am respectful of everyone's beliefs. I hope I have not offended anyone by what I have written here. These are just expressions of where I am in my understanding right now and I could be wrong. I want everyone to know how much I love and respect and honor you all, whatever your thoughts and beliefs are! We are one in Him and filled with His love, and all the differences of opinion fade into nothing in the light of His Presence in us! Sending love to one and all from Sparrow!
