How do we get to the point of really letting go of performance thoughts and being able to love and forgive ourselves? How do we get to the point where we stop seeking change and are finally okay with ourselves and find that life is okay?
Well, I don't have many answers, and as the years go by, I have more questions than answers!
And yet, as the years go by, I find it is okay to have questions and I am more okay with having them and not having to know all the answers...lol..
But back to the question of how do we get to the point where we really 'get' grace and see it make a difference in our lives, stop struggling and start loving ourselves and living by grace?
First, I don't think there's any goal to reach for really. We are already fine.
But we don't see that sometimes and we live in heartache. I've been there, been there for years, for decades really!
But God shows us the truth! He brings our hearts to rest. "The Spirit led them and brought them to rest."
To be honest, what brought me such relief was going through the valley
of my grandmother's passing away. God just held me through it all and
it was like He showed me eternity, let me experience eternity, deep
within with Him. I can't explain it, but after that I just knew
everything was okay and everything will ultimately and finally be okay,
and I was able to rest and be. I just disconnected from all mental
thoughts and struggles about grace and law and religion and love and
just lived my life. I talked to God if I wanted to and didn't talk to
Him if I didn't feel like it. I just lived. And there was such healing
in that! But it was something God did, by grace. I didn't make it
happen. It happened to me. God happened! And I believe He is happening
to you and will bring you the peace you desire and the love for
yourself, the forgiveness of yourself that you desire.
I have
struggled with loving and forgiving myself. But somehow I love
myself! I think when God just brought me through that valley with my
grandma's passing into eternity, it was just me and Him and I was
outside of religious thoughts, and I found myself in the real world, not
the fake one of religion. I was my real Self. Innocent and simple and
with God. And I could look onto my mind, my thoughts and feelings and
feel the pain of that 'self' and know it wasn't the real, deep Me. And I
could see it as the hurting little child it was. My poor mind just got
beaten down by religion for so many years, I have such pity on my mind
and its thoughts. When I react poorly or irritably, I can know that is
because I was told I was 'bad' for so many years, I was told God was
'bad' (not in so many words, but you know what I mean, I was told He was
watching my behavior and would punish me if I messed up, so He seemed
fearful and angry and 'bad')..all my crazy thoughts and behaviors come
from those past lies of believing I wasn't loved or even lovable. I can
pity my poor mind that was brain-washed like that, I can hold my little
thought-and-feeling self and rock that little one back and forth and
comfort her in her fears and anguish. I can tell her it's okay, that I
love her and that everything is all right, she is okay, she is innocent,
she is loved, she is not alone, she'll never be abandoned or forgotten
or hurt. She is safe. She is home. Our hearts need to hear that
message, don't they? It helps me just to say it to my mental self, just
to tell myself it's okay and I love you and I won't leave you. That's
God word to me and that's my word to me, to my mind. My real self is
Spirit and my real self talks to my mind and calms it down. I am not my
thoughts and feelings. I am spirit/Spirit. I am eternally okay. And I
can love myself, the one that thinks and feels and goofs up. And I can
just let that little one just BE, let her make mistakes, rant and rave,
cry and howl or laugh and dance, let her live. She won't ever 'act
perfectly' or 'think perfectly' as long as she exists in this world with
her set of memories, past experiences, outside influences, etc. But
that is fine. Life here is messy, turbulent, crazy. Yet it is crazy
wonderful! It is precious and great and beautiful and wild! It is
worth that pain for all the glory that is being revealed right here in
the midst of this time and space world, this place where heaven keeps
bursting through the cracks of matter and glowing from beneath our
skins!
Heaven is touching earth from within us. There is an infinite spring of love within us. An infinite Being of love. We are part of Him, and He is part of us. Relationship. Union. Belonging. Fellowship without trying to fellowship. Love without trying to Love.
Wow! We can just live, just be, just enjoy life for once!
Life is precious, Love is precious, God is precious, WE are precious!
Thank You, Papa!
I love life, I love You, I love others and I love myself!
