Tuesday, August 18, 2015

On finally being able to love myself..

How do we get to the point of really letting go of performance thoughts and being able to love and forgive ourselves?  How do we get to the point where we stop seeking change and are finally okay with ourselves and find that life is okay?

Well, I don't have many answers, and as the years go by, I have more questions than answers!

And yet, as the years go by, I find it is okay to have questions and I am more okay with having them and not having to know all the answers...lol..

But back to the question of how do we get to the point where we really 'get' grace and see it make a difference in our lives, stop struggling and start loving ourselves and living by grace?

First, I don't think there's any goal to reach for really.  We are already fine.

But we don't see that sometimes and we live in heartache.  I've been there, been there for years, for decades really!

But God shows us the truth!  He brings our hearts to rest.  "The Spirit led them and brought them to rest."

To be honest, what brought me such relief was going through the valley of my grandmother's passing away.  God just held me through it all and it was like He showed me eternity, let me experience eternity, deep within with Him.  I can't explain it, but after that I just knew everything was okay and everything will ultimately and finally be okay, and I was able to rest and be.  I just disconnected from all mental thoughts and struggles about grace and law and religion and love and just lived my life.  I talked to God if I wanted to and didn't talk to Him if I didn't feel like it.  I just lived.  And there was such healing in that!  But it was something God did, by grace.  I didn't make it happen.  It happened to me. God happened!  And I believe He is happening to you and will bring you the peace you desire and the love for yourself, the forgiveness of yourself that you desire. 

I have struggled with loving and forgiving myself.  But somehow I love myself!  I think when God just brought me through that valley with my grandma's passing into eternity, it was just me and Him and I was outside of religious thoughts, and I found myself in the real world, not the fake one of religion.  I was my real Self.  Innocent and simple and with God.  And I could look onto my mind, my thoughts and feelings and feel the pain of that 'self' and know it wasn't the real, deep Me.  And I could see it as the hurting little child it was.  My poor mind just got beaten down by religion for so many years, I have such pity on my mind and its thoughts.  When I react poorly or irritably, I can know that is because I was told I was 'bad' for so many years, I was told God was 'bad' (not in so many words, but you know what I mean, I was told He was watching my behavior and would punish me if I messed up, so He seemed fearful and angry and 'bad')..all my crazy thoughts and behaviors come from those past lies of believing I wasn't loved or even lovable.  I can pity my poor mind that was brain-washed like that, I can hold my little thought-and-feeling self and rock that little one back and forth and comfort her in her fears and anguish.  I can tell her it's okay, that I love her and that everything is all right, she is okay, she is innocent, she is loved, she is not alone, she'll never be abandoned or forgotten or hurt.  She is safe.  She is home.  Our hearts need to hear that message, don't they? It helps me just to say it to my mental self, just to tell myself it's okay and I love you and I won't leave you.  That's God word to me and that's my word to me, to my mind.  My real self is Spirit and my real self talks to my mind and calms it down.  I am not my thoughts and feelings.  I am spirit/Spirit.  I am eternally okay.  And I can love myself, the one that thinks and feels and goofs up.  And I can just let that little one just BE, let her make mistakes, rant and rave, cry and howl or laugh and dance, let her live.  She won't ever 'act perfectly' or 'think perfectly' as long as she exists in this world with her set of memories, past experiences, outside influences, etc.  But that is fine.  Life here is messy, turbulent, crazy.  Yet it is crazy wonderful!  It is precious and great and beautiful and wild!  It is worth that pain for all the glory that is being revealed right here in the midst of this time and space world, this place where heaven keeps bursting through the cracks of matter and glowing from beneath our skins!

Heaven is touching earth from within us.  There is an infinite spring of love within us.  An infinite Being of love.  We are part of Him, and He is part of us.  Relationship. Union. Belonging. Fellowship without trying to fellowship.  Love without trying to Love.

Wow!  We can just live, just be, just enjoy life for once!

Life is precious, Love is precious, God is precious, WE are precious!

Thank You, Papa!

I love life, I love You, I love others and I love myself!

4 comments:

  1. Man, I've been thinking of this post for days. Ever since coming to grips with grace theology, I guess you could call it... Feeling like I've woken up from a bad dream, with lots of rejoicing! But I still have felt the need to "get it" in the pit of my stomach. Ironically I think I would try to come up with ways and formulas to work harder at "getting it." Also ironically I would judge others for legalistic theology and be very ungracious. It's healing the more I hear this thing, true. But every time I heard another person say they had an epiphany I wanted so badly to orchestrate my own. I can see how beautiful the implications of the grace message are, and Christ through all of it, and have even tasted of its beauty... But I want, I need, the love for myself you talk about. I am tempted to ask if there are any sermons or materials you could recommend ... But I know that'd possibly miss the point lol. Thanks for posting this, it resonates deeply.

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  2. Jonah, I love how you describe coming to know grace as waking up from a bad dream, with lots of rejoicing! I have felt just like you, feeling the need to 'get it'..but there is nothing to get! It's like my experience with God was to show me I didn't need an experience at all, I was already fine! It's such a relief, isn't it? Grace is really true, we really are complete, lovable, and even loving. I believe that you already are fine, already love yourself deep down, with a love as wide as the sea and as infinite as eternity....one big turning point for me was when God was showing me I wasn't the lowly hurting person needing to feel loved, I was the big wide ocean of love so whole and wide and free and spacious and complete, embracing and loving myself with every breath! He helped me identify myself as Spirit, not flesh (human body/brain/emotions/thoughts)..I had been seeing myself as my thoughts and feelings, when I was really Spirit all the time! It helped me so much to see that there was nothing wrong with me..that I was accepting of myself, loving myself, ALREADY..that I was fine, happy, at peace, whole..already..deep within...one spirit with His Spirit, ONE! I have the same outlook as He does, without even trying, because we are One! That's just how I'm made..it hit me in such a different way and helped me see we are all okay. We are fine. We don't need to 'get' anything or 'arrive' anywhere. We aren't incomplete or lacking. We are so whole. Good. Part of Him and therefore just fine, actually perfect! I am sorry to ramble, it's just great to think on and I get carried away. There is nothing wrong with us. Nothing to 'get'. I believe we can forget about 'trying to get it' and just live and enjoy life, and God will directly speak to us and show us that we're fine. There was never any fixing needed. Maybe seeing this is what helps us feel that love of ourselves more strongly, I don't know. But I do know that love is already there radiating out, and our natural state is to love ourselves and everyone else, without any effort. It's just natural to us. Our natural state is happiness and peace and joy and trust. Because our natural state is just as God's is - Love, Wholeness, Light, Happiness, Peace! We can't really be anything else..we never have to try to be ourselves. "If only I could 'get' being myself" - ! Isn't easy being ourselves..it's easy being love! Blessings to you..isn't it great to know there's nothing wrong with us? We are the big wide love holding the universe in its arms, holding ourselves too! We are spirit one with His Spirit! Nothing is wrong with us, everything is right with us! We are light and in us is no darkness at all! We are love and in us is no rejection, self-hatred, or even fear. We can watch all those emotions come and go in our psyche and just keep on being perfect wholeness and love inside! We love ourselves, of course we do! Any other idea was always unnatural because it wasn't our nature. We love our God, each other and our selves with perfect love. We embrace ourselves, accept ourselves, let ourselves BE..there's no conflict there, what a relief! Sending a smile your way! I have loved having this conversation with you, brother Jonah!

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  3. Wow. You know, there is a present temptation to pull the "but what about" guns out... Yet I know they aren't my guns. They are the weapons of the flesh, which are not my weapons, since the flesh is an illusion crucified and gone... I know what you're saying is true. And how do I know? We have the mind of Christ.

    I suppose the bridge between truth and experience of the truth seems real still. I suppose that bridge needs only be as real as I think it to be real. Does that makes sense?. I sympathie with your other post, where you used to say, "if I only could understand grace enough, I would manifest it more in this or that way." But that's performance. I suppose also I work in a culture that constantly is saying "nobody's perfect" and pointing out flaws and talking about struggles. It irks me when what I know is true doesn't seem to manifest, but then it also irks me when I still think in terms of success and failure of how I lived my day etc... Cus I know that's the wrong tree... Hm.

    But you know, okay. I am a spirit. I am one with God and we are inseparable. I can't change that truth. I am a good and perfect gift that came from the Faher of lights. He is light, I am light. We are love. All is well. All is perfect. Okay. I am loved. Hm. Maybe it's simpler than I thought.

    Thanks sister :) for speaking the word of acceptance. Blessings from you :)

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  4. I think you are right, it must be simpler than we thought! And I am with you in the problematic 'if only I could manifest it more' ideas that pop up..I was having this happen today, as I suddenly became worried about some issue and just couldn't stop worrying, was feeling so terrible..and where was that super calm spirit that was always happiness and calm and light? I couldn't 'get it' to manifest, but you are right how that is the wrong tree! So it must be okay to have worry feelings or feelings even of self-hatred as well as feelings of peace and well-being. It must be okay to let any and all feelings and even thoughts just come and go. Whether we feel or manifest it or not, we ARE Spirit and light and one with Him and the feelings that go up and down must actually be okay, totally accepted, totally embraced by Him, totally loved..it's kind of a relief..I think we have been brought up to just default to thinking about performance and 'right and wrong' and 'failing vs. being victorious/manifesting," don't you? - ...when really there's only the ONE tree of life and we are part of that tree, so that's all that matters! Let me know if you have any more thoughts about this, it would be so helpful to me in understanding this..have a great day, my brother Jonah! Sparrow

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May the amazing grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the extravagant love of God, and the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit be with all of you. 2 Co. 13:14