Then I burned out on Christianity. I just got so tired, I couldn't maintain the effort. I couldn't keep the "perfect" mask on straight enough. The Christian life just seemed so HARD. I figured that I was basically a failure at Christian living, growth, righteous living, you name it. Everything felt cold and dead. I just didn't feel like trying anymore. So I didn't...
It was Christmastime. The church was decorated with greenery, so lovely and festive. I just sort of sat there. And I remember the pastor saying, "Ask God to touch you this Christmas." Yeah, right. I knew that wouldn't do anything for me. But I said inside in a half-hearted way, "Ok, God, touch me."
Well, what happened on that day was magical. By the time I got out to the church parking lot, God had actually spoken in that still, small, but unmistakable voice - to me! He had whispered words of reassurance that were just what I needed. And something started to wake up inside..
Some time around this day, I can't remember exactly when, I was talking to my dear cousin on the phone. We had always sort of connected about spiritual things. He casually mentioned that his church had been teaching about GRACE, and it was like the words stood out in my mind just like those capital letters! Of course, you can guess the rest of the story. He recommended a few books, and it didn't take long before I was ruined by grace. Yes, another victim of victory, to quote Rob Rufus. Another captive of compassion! Another grace junkie. Yes, legalism lost another one - ha ha! I have never been the same!
Well, I say all that to ask a question: why did God speak to me that day in the church parking lot? Why then, when I was at the lowest, dumbest, most burned out point of my whole Christian life? I think He wanted to show me something - that this whole work of salvation, sanctification, Christian growth and Christian living DID NOT DEPEND ON ME! I always thought it was all up to me to make life work, or else He wouldn't accept me. And here He was saying He had accepted me all along, and that everything depended on Him.
If everything depends on Him, why should I worry about growing? Why should I worry about trying? Why should I compare myself with others? Why should I keep doing "fruit checks" to see if I'm progressing? Why should I even be focused on my progress or changing at all? HE'S TAKING CARE OF IT! So I don't have to. In fact He's already made me perfect in Christ, and He'll bring that perfection out in His time and in His way. I'm free to take a nap with Jesus. Sounds like a great idea!
The Rebellious Vine
One day, the vine
That climbed on God's own house
Cried, "I will not GROW,"
And, "I will NOT grow,"
And, "I WILL not grow,"
And, "I will not grow."
So God leaned out His head,
And said:
"You need not." Then the vine
Fluttered its leaves, and cried to all the winds:
"Oh, have I not permission from the Lord?
And may I not begin to cease to grow?"
But that wise God had pondered on the vine
Before He made it
And all the while it labored NOT to grow,
It grew; it grew;
And all the time God knew.
Poem by Harold Monro