"I sobbed my heart out as I drove back from the beach this morning. For myself and for every person who still lives under the crippling, lying, devastating effects of the law. Self-examination will never show you Christ. Self-examination is after all self-centered, self-conscious, and sin conscious.
"And as I wept bitter tears, Jesus held me and let me sob out my hurt, my disappointment, and my fear. And we talked...
me: But how far can I go and you still love me?
Him: How far can you go? There is no boundary on my love and grace for you. Even if you go where you know you should not, I GO WITH YOU. I will NEVER LEAVE YOU.
me: But you know my heart. You know I can't trust love. You know how I was raised. Always waiting for the unexpected slap whether it was deserved or not. Walking on eggshells to keep the peace. Living in fear of the unexpected. You know that my behavior is all I know to do to keep myself safe and that I learned that even that is never enough. You know that I question all that I do in light of how others perceive me. You know that I struggle with the heavy burden of trying to please everyone and being perfect.
Him: I do know that, Jamie. I know all of that. That's why you are so beautiful to me. I love watching you grow in your understanding of me and my overwhelming love for you. I love hearing you ask, "I can do this, and this, and this?" and seeing how delighted you are that you are not under judgment. I know that every step you take into freedom is a hard fought battle for you because you have been taught that love and approval must be earned. And every time you fall from your understanding of my love for you I know how crushed you are because you still erroneously believe that our relationship is based on you, NOT ME. And that is OK because my love is far greater than your comprehension and I trust me enough for the both of us.
me: But you know that people say your life should be produced in me. So, what about when it's not in evidence?
Him: Darling, you are my life, my heart, my desire. My life is in you. PERIOD. That doesn't change based on you. And to those who point to your actions they are wrong in their thinking. My life is not about behavior modification. And for you to think that is WRONG. My life is about living out of a loving union. Love isn't a measuring stick, a set of rules or guidelines, or a taskmaster. Love isn't an expectation for you to be someone besides who you are in me. All the time. When love is manifest and when it ISN'T. Love IS. And I AM.
me: But my heart hurts. And I'm confused. And I don't want to sssssssin!!
Him: I know all of this, sweetheart. And I only ask that you trust me and believe me when I say that I love you regardless of your actions, thoughts, feelings, or circumstances.
me: BUT YOU KNOW people say, "Sin will take you where you don't want to go!"
Him: Yes, people do. But I SAY, Nothing will take you from me! Not the worst possible thing you could imagine or do. There is no depth, height, or length that goes beyond my love and grace. Do I feel the regret that you have when you choose independence? Yes, but EVEN SIN wills and works to bring you always to me. The path of sin doesn't lead away from me but to me! And I walked this earth so that SIN as an issue between us would be forever destroyed. Your SIN has no bearing on US, only your perception of it.
me: (sniffing and snuggling in closer) Will you promise to keep proving that to me?
Him: (laughing with delight) Will you promise to allow me to keep proving it to you?
Have I told you lately how loved I am by the Lover of my soul?"
Jamie Weeks